My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence then success is sure. Whether you need to allow you have some usernames cute and one of man writes hilarious profiles in the number one liners. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. You've perfected overthinking as an art form. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. BBLTHRW. Im Alabama self. "Sir Norman Wisdom, 50. Ingratiate yourself to your tight-knit audience by opening with a little humor. The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when youre finished. Groucho Marx, 45. Looking for more inspiration? "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Well, neither does bathing. 95. Funny Witty Quotes To Make You Clever And Smarter - The Random Vibez What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. "Marcelene Cox, 97. 70. 80. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. Once you get that key point across, your audience will likely listen to everything else you have to say. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising? Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did. 97. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Don't act like I'm a character in your reality show. Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. 972 Life One Liners - The funniest life jokes - OneLineFun.com A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. I havent slept for 10 days because that would be too long. Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, Fun Virtual Team Building Activities 35. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." - Ken Hudgins 2. the salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies? 13. Icebreaker jokes like that one command attention. A pun for every season of the year. the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests? What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? #1. 60 British insults for getting your message across 04/19/2023; 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to . "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead. Anonymous, 3. Because they make up literally everything. Yep, funny Father's Day gifts totally existand if he's best known for his humor, he'll definitely get a kick (and a good knee slap) out of these picks. 64. 42. Instead of taking it out on them, read these funny co-worker quotes to commiserate. Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias, 24. I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it. Originally Published: Oct. 7, 2019. Through the grapevine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." Turn that frown upside down with these hilarious sayings about life, love, friendship, and work. It comes naturally to them. Browse these Monday memes until you laugh (or cry), then check out some Friday memes to end your week on the right foot. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? It seemed very important to him that I have it. "Bill Watterson, 10. the cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo? Yeah, they got him on possession. Careers The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" What do you call a bear with no teeth? Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schiuller, 67. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now." One liner tags: communication, doctor, puns. Only two. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. Use a strategically placed joke to break the ice and make a large group feel like a small gathering of friends. "Don't take life so seriously, you will not get out alive." - Elbert Hubbard 3. If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. Jarod Kintz, 46. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so . So did everyone else on the submarine), Disrupts expectations via incongruity between a concept, situation, or idea. And thats just in the hot dogs. We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. Missile toe. 34. When you love people and have a desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then you will have accomplished the meaning of life Sasha Azevedo, 15. Do you know what I love most about baseball? You can even source a complete bank of surprising and hilarious facts about your teammates using Water Cooler Trivia. Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got. R. Brault, 41. Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. Privacy Policy Always be sincere, even if you dont mean it. Unknown, 40. Jerry Seinfeld, 87. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap., 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name., Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type., The great question Which I have not been able to answeris, What does a woman want?. ~ Freud, I would rather trust a womans instinct than a mans reason. ~ Stanley Baldwin, Whatever women do they must do twice, as well as men to be thought half as good. !" "Arguing with a fool proves there are two." - Doris M. Smith "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - William Shakespeare catchy clever quotes "If we cannot be clever, we can always be kind." - Alfred Fripp "It's okay if you disagree with me. Persist while others are quitting. William Arthur Ward, 45. Steven Wright. - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it. Shirley MacLaine, 57. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Unknown, 49. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle. 75 Funny Puns and One-Liners For Kids and Adults - Today Parallel lines have so much in common, but its a shame theyll never meet. 72. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. We recommend our users to update the browser. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. While humor is no science, some experts, including comedians and scientists, have isolated characteristics that consistently make jokes funny. Ayatollah who? 81. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Your coffee break partner. "My mother loves hats, and I think this one with a minimal and elegant elongated crown from Toteme is the perfect addition to her . Joan Rivers, 94. Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too! Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners. "Lily Tomlin, 19. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. Whats motivating you to get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button for the seventh time? You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' But then again, why take the chance? (Phyllis Diller). The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. Please enable Strictly Necessary Cookies first so that we can save your preferences! Men marry women hoping they will not. Because seven eight nine. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. Robert Frost, 20. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Obsessed with travel? "Lucille Ball, 42. Do you have a clever quote you would like to share? That's one of my mottos. And that's just in the hot dogs. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees, Best Employee Engagement Software Platforms For High Performing Teams [HR Approved], Insanely Fun Team Building Activities for Work, The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms, Corporate Gift Ideas Your Clients and Customers Will Love, Make an audience feel a stronger sense of, Release endorphins and calm anger for more productive debates, Plays on the human love of detecting discrepancies by illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. Two men walk into a bar. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. 3. 73. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. . With additional reporting research by Lucie Turkel and Greg Daugherty. That's a life lesson I could have done without. Life. My son is now an entrepreneur. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. Ted Turner. 12. Short Witty Captions and Quotes. The more you love the least deserving on your list, the more your life will change. Mike Dooley, 47. 100 Funny One-Liners That Will Get You Laughing - Reader's Digest Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Jesus, Matthew 6:27, 9. 90% of the things I worry about never happen. And by sometimes I mean all times. 42. Co-workers are like Christmas lights. A cab. 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! Your life is your story; you can write out any characters who aren't enhancing the plot. ' Don Marquis. - Steven Wright. To prove he wasnt a chicken. Why did the chicken go to the seance? "Without geometry, life is pointless." Youre really excited to present your ideas, but you make one fatal flaw. Reality is wrong, dreams are for real. Tupac, 65 Positive Aging Quotes About Getting Older Gracefully, 65 Incredible Quotes About Taking Chances, 120 Fascinating Wise Quotes That Will Grow Your Mind, 30 Funny Birthday Quotes And Wishes For A Card Or Message. , A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. ~ Benjamin Franklin. 43. ", Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? If you are motivated by these wise words of wisdom, feel free to spread the positive vibes and share them with friends and family on Pinterest, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and more. 36. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. Report. Your email address will not be published. Groucho Marx. Luckily, this is not difficult." It was here first." I don't think it's natural." This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. We appreciate any shares on Pinterest if you love our work! 45. In America an obsession. 86. Life is too short to be serious all the time. In one episode . "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. 84. Happiness depends upon ourselves. Aristotle, 48. Funny quotes for online dating profile Whether you put for guys irresistible. Plus, they're pretty practical, too! 67. Do not underestimate your abilities. 82.89 % / 2909 votes. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun. An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins. A: Icebreaker jokes are always appropriate to tell at work. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. Knock, knock. Seriously Awesome Gifts For Coworkers 68: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Your email address will not be published. 31. It was in tents. It is normal and easy to fall into the trap of autopilot and feels overwhelmed by lifes stresses, so why not take a break, have a read, and then share your favorite witty one-liners on life with loved ones to brighten their day. Question:Why cant men get Mad Cow Disease?Answer: Because it only attacks the brain. Michael Scott, The Office, 15. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? 8. "Women marry men hoping they will change. 4. Whats the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? You cant believe everything you hearbut you can repeat it. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? You can also use a funny team building joke or quote to make sure everyone can relax during the meeting. POST. Of course I wouldnt say anything about her unless I could say something good. To see a mans true face, look to the photos he hasnt posted. When life feels serious, it is important to lighten the tone, get out of your head and have a laugh. Updated: Jan. 12, 2022. Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. I now live in constant fear., 3) Whats a comedians least favorite drink? We have covered the following in the post for you; These clever lines with a pinch of sarcasm will surely tickle your funny bone. "Isaac Asimov, 18. the racing snail that got rid of his shell? "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." "Phyllis Diller, 93. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Telling .css-dv4kb7{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:brandColorSecondary;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-dv4kb7:hover{color:#683d85;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;}corny jokes or watching feel-good comedies is a sure-fire way to add levity to your day, but if you need a quick fix, then we've got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses. And thats just in the hot dogs. (David Letterman), 2) Ive been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. Funny one liners for dating sites. 66. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". - Forrest Gump in, "Family the ties that bind and gag!" He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame Unknown, 54 Change the game, dont let the game change you. Macklemore There is no life as complete as the life that is lived by choice. Shad Helmstetter, 55. Go forth on your path, as it exists only through your walking. Augustine of Hippo, 33. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Everything that we do today determines how were going to live life tomorrow. Martin Dasko, 25. Search, watch, and cook every single Tasty recipe and video ever - all in one place! "Alexander Woollcott, 73. "Never try to have the last word. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? What do you call a blonde with half a brain? 35 Really Funny One Liners About Life | The Random Vibez To get to the other side. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. "So this is my life until I win the lottery. The first few lines of a speech are like little teasers. When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen. 96. The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph! Marvin Phillips, 4. Be sure to check out these funny graduation quotes and inspirational quotes about life as well. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! A: Tell a good joke at work by first finding an. Employee Wellness Program Ideas While Monday motivation quotes, funny inspirational quotes, funny work memes, funny quotes and funny coffee quotes can also do the trick, sometimes you just need classic funny work quotes to get up and at em in the morning. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. 51. 9. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx, 23. 26. The way I see it, id you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Dolly Parton, 20. You will never get out of it alive." 53. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson, 19. 101 Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh, Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired. "Kevin Malone, The Office, 21. Your life is your message. Gandhi, 13. This website uses cookies to improve your experience.
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